If you were spitballing, brainstorming, or as Marketing Professionals prefer “Ideating”, trying to come up with the perfect name for a college basketball player, the conversation might go something like this:
Marketing Pro #1: “Well, for the first name let’s go super-positive. Just over-the-top. And make it sound vaguely-British or Australian to give it international appeal.”
Marketing Pro #2: “How about ‘Grandy’?”
MP1: “Perfect. Gold. Print and ship a jillion copies. Any ideas for the last name?”
MP2: “Everyone loves donuts. ‘Glaze’?”
I have no idea whether Grandy Glaze’s parents are in Marketing or what they are Professionals in. I suspect they walk around every day just being awesome and seeing what comes of it. What I know for certain is Grandy Glaze is the best name in the history of SLU Billiken basketball. Here is the top 16, as compiled by a pot of coffee and the WAB Supercomputer.
Top 16 Names in Billiken Basketball History
1) Grandy Glaze
Jaunty, Vaguely British + Evocative of Donuts = WINNER!
2) Quirk
Not a misprint. Quirk. That’s it. The WAB Supercomputer found two mentions of this man called Quirk: state discuss champ for SLUH in 1943; one free throw made for SLU basketball in 1944-45. That’s it. Two sports, one name. And that that name sums up the whole story: Quirk.
3) Daryl “Pee Wee” Lenard
“Pee Wee” used to be a fairly common nickname for an undersized baller. Pee Wee Reese, Pee Wee Kirkland. You could be sure without even looking that Pee Wee was under 5’10” and could seriously play. Then Pee Wee Herman came along and completely dominated the scene and owned the name. Paul Rubens’ fateful day at the matinee has ruined the nickname for a time. Perhaps less messy reason for its demise is we cannot agree on one way to spell it: Pee Wee, Peewee, Pee-wee, PeeWee. Let’s grab an Icee and use the WiFi at Pei Wei to hash it out. SLU’s famous Pee Wee gets extra points for the fact that we always knew his first name was Daryl, and for the stripped down spellings of both his first and last (given) names. His parents were pioneers of offensive efficiency before we even knew what that meant.
4) Jordair Jett
Hard to separate how great the name was from how great the look was. Dreads flying, face stoic, thick as a brick. Plotting, lurking, exploding. Alliteration was hardly needed in this name, but it certainly adds more.
5) Reverend Al Dudenhoffer
I can’t decide whether this name is more or less fun if Al was an actual Reverend or not. I am going to go with less. I hope someone from the dorms just decided to call him Reverend Al. All three parts of this name are terrific. Each pops on its own. Bonus points that the initials spell out RAD. Today, we would have mashed this up to Rad Dude. I don’t think that is an improvement on the Reverend Al Dudenhoffer.
6) Travis Tadysak
Middling first name gives way to a killer last. Pro tip: Add to your enjoyment by changing the pronunciation of the middle syllable from “eee” to “yuh”. Practice this is in the car as you would practice Rosetta Stone prepping for a trip overseas, and you will thank me later.
7) H Waldman
“The H stands for nothing. You got a problem with that?!” When your point guard has this kind of attitude, you are going to the Tournament.
8) Bruno Krzeminski
Maybe should have been a boxer. Maybe a Chicago ward boss. If I am looking at the other team’s roster and see I have to guard Bruno Krzeminski, I am tweaking an ankle in warmups.
9) Abdur Rahim Al Matiim
Four names, all interesting. Chantable. Singable. You could make a terrific starting five just using combinations of all of these names:
- G – Al Matiim
- G – Abdur Rahim
- F – Rahim Matiim
- F – Matiim Al Abdur
- C – Al Matiim Rahim
Post-9/11, these guys would have a terrible time getting through airport security, but they would win a ton of games. If Matiim came along today we would have screwed this up by reducing him to A-RAM.
10) Luther Burden
You have no chance of guarding this man.
11) Junie Jefferies
Fun, alliterative, whimsical. The WAB supercomputer discovered that his given name was “Lowell”, and gave bonus points that we never knew that before. Thank you for keeping that on the down low, June Bug.
12) Austin McBroom
Rammer has added the “Hollywood” nickname as a cherry on top, not that this name needs it. Truth told, Austin would not be my first choice for a basketball player’s first name, but it really sets up the finish perfectly. Austin is a nice boy who gets everyone else involved; McBroom drops bombs, tells you about it, then steals your girlfriend. Austin has seven assists and stays in front of his man; McBroom hits nine threes and has six turnovers. We are going to need both of these guys this year.
13) Redditt Hudson
His first name became a thing. That thing was bought by Conde Nast and counts among its investors Snoop Lion nee Snoop Dogg nee Snoop Doggy Dogg nee Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. So basically, Redditt Hudson invented the Internet and launched a thousand fantastic names by himself. I would not be surprised to learn he fathered every other player on this list, naming each from atop a golden throne using a scepter.
14) Dick Boushka
I could tell you that Dick Boushka was a tough-minded rebounder in the 1950s, but I don’t have to. His name already told you that.
15) Justin Love
If you slow it down enough, it could be a rom-com. Just. In. Love. Starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. Opens Friday. But that would detract from how cool it is when your team’s best player is named Love.
16) Rashid Shabazz
Rashid Shabazz is born to be a basketball player. Right now, I bet Rashid Shabazz could call up Marcus Jones, Rasheed Malik, Sid Mudd, and LaTodd Johnson, whatever their ages, this fivesome would dominate any pickup game in the world on name alone.
